Home / My Journey / Frustrating


20140113-014551So I have always tried to be optimistic, and “professional”, for lack of a better term, while writing this. I try to keep my emotions out of it. I try to just tell a story. I figure if I keep the emotion out if it, people will be able to relate to the story, without having to try to read between the lines of emotion. Well, not in this one. It’s 1:21 AM for me. And I’m tired, but unable to sleep again. Stupid insomnia. I thought that being off work, and staying on a normal schedule, (awake in the day, sleeping at night), would make it better. Well, it’s not. And it’s frustrating. And it pisses me off. And then I get worked up cuz I can’t sleep, and well, that makes me stay up longer.

I’m not bothering anyone at this hour, cuz I can’t sleep. So I needed to vent a bit, and here I am. I don’t know what else to say. This is a rather normal part of my life. At least once a week, this is the crap I deal with. And I’m tired. I WANT to sleep. I just can’t. And as my career has gone on, it’s gotten worse. I usually chalked it up to shift work. Messing with my sleep patterns. But I have been on a “normal” sleep schedule for 2 months. And it’s happening more often. Seriously?? WTF??

Well, without going into a full blown rant, complete with way more then necessary F-bombs, I got nothing else to say. Coming on here served 2 purposes. One, was to vent a bit, and hopefully go to sleep. The other, was to express some emotion, and maybe give you a better sense of what I’m feeling. I feel that I have tried my best to keep my emotion out of my blogs, and focus on the story. Well, tonight, (alright, way too early in the f****** morning) my emotion IS the story. This is one of the things I deal with a lot. And while it’s not the worst emotions I feel, it just adds another level of frustration to everything else.

That’s it for now. Gonna try to actually get some sleep. It’s not gonna happen, but sitting here on my iPad sure is not gonna make me sleep.

I’m out. ‘Night


  • Just a pebble on a gravel road buddy! Stay strong 🙂

  • paraken

    Well I hope this doesn’t sound lame but here goes. I had sleep problems most of my life. I was lucky, I learned and practiced meditation and that normally does it. I use audio/visual imagery of birds and nature. Or I pray. However……not the nights I wake up every 1/2 hour.
    There is theory that if you can’t sleep the worst thing you can do is fight to get back to sleep. Some experts believe you should use soothing methods to relax – aromatherapy, sound therapy, reading a book (not computer, actually stimulates you as does TV), soft music, nature sounds, meditation.
    Your need may go so far as Rx sleep aid which you likely have used.
    Sometimes nothing works.
    Have you been to a sleep clinic?
    Also, understand that PTSD has proven to have the same pathology as a TBI. This is definitely not just an isolated problem. The rants are cool, the blog is an awesome tool. You’re okay, just not doing great last night. There’s hope for today.

  • Pj Drouillard

    Very Interesting Blog Spot…My girlfriend just pointed this out to me as she has been following this with interest…

    I am a decorated paramedic of 25 years from Muskoka, who was diagnosed with PTSD in 2012 and off work on wsib because of it. I will not be returning to work and at 45 am rebuilding my life after accepting the fact i was suffering a long time prior to the time I finally collapsed. Good on you for accepting this and starting your journey of recovery .
    There is strength in numbers and support in friends and loved ones.

  • Rustache

    Hey brother, I gave been off the road since late sept. I am still having a shift worker sleep schedual. I think that it is normal for people like us who have been doing thus for a while. I like walking the dog. That seems to help normalize for me anyway…..

  • Susan clark

    Hi,I read your stories all the time,I understand. Have you ever seen the documentary The Secret,can make such a change in anyone’s life. Just a thought I would give you. God bless you.

  • I’ve been there, my friend . Scheduling isn’t the culprit, but the PTSD is. It keeps your brain running like a hamster in a wheel and keeps you awake. Sleep when you can. xo

    • paraken

      Ya. Sleep when you can. But when its a chronic problem it just amps every thing. You need to quiet your mind. Try many things and use what healthy methods work.
      Bless you friend.

  • Ever wake up in the middle of the night absolutely sure you have heard the tones dropping? For years I would wake in the middle of the night and be nearly dressed to head out the door before realizing the rest of the shift was asleep. Here’s what worked for me, maybe it will for you. Most of it’s pretty simple but when I actually was mindful and made sleep a priority I had great results.

    What are you eating and craving after normal dinner time?
    Wear sunglasses coming off an overnight night, sunlight stimulates dopamine secretion and wakes you mind up. This really worked.
    Black out curtains.
    NaturesMade “Sleep” super gentle and non habit forming, find it at your grocery store.
    Turn off your phone and computer. The frequency at which the screens oscillate affects our brain chemistry. Check it out – http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/news/20030620/nighttime-computer-users-may-lose-sleep

    Keep on keeping on brother, the world needs us.

  • I’ve found melatonin to be a godsend. It’s a natural sleep aid without the side effects of the prescription drugs. It worked like wonders for me, I could finally fall asleep and stay asleep. My own PTSD (self) diagnosis came after that and since then I only occasionally need the Melatonin.

    Good luck, stay strong.

  • Allicia

    Thank you, for being brave enough to stand up and admit that this is an issue. Your bravery has brought this to the front line, and helped to bring down the stigma of mental health and PTSD in our profession. Best of luck with your recovery, myself and my family will be reading and sending positive thoughts your way 🙂

  • Ross MacLeod

    I feel your pain or rather discomfort, been there myself. Many, many times over 28 years. It’s a difficult process, often depressing and in 2008 it stopped my career.

  • Vlad

    I guess that’s the risk we have to assume once we’re gonna work at A&E, being in-hospital or pre-hospital… doesn’t matter. Stay positive, try to rest when you have free time and also try to spend some time with the family, kids, pets or play a footbal with friends. Don’t think like.. it’s PTSD, oh my God it’s PTSD… it’s just the way it is, simply. As medical staff we have to study all life, lose a lot of nights just to save others. If there’s still satisfaction for all these, if we’re still feeling awesome when we learn something new or save someone’s life… then that’s the best reward we can receive.

    Nursing student here, most probably going to medical school as well in the future.

  • Vanles

    On your road to recovery you may want to consider Yoga. Not just for the stretching or poses( although they are very beneficial) but the benefit of breathing and meditaion and self reflection It can be very powerful!

  • ssff134

    Brother, you are not alone. All of us deal with PTSD, depression, anxiety… It takes a big person to admit we need help. I was in your shoes not so long ago. Sleepless nights, nightmares, flashbacks. Pure hell doesn’t even begin to describe it. I was living the “survivors guilt” lifestyle. My life revolved around the fact I was living, as opposed to living my life.

    I finally reached out for help and was suggested to try EMDR. Initially, I thought it was more bunk and black magic than medicine. After 3 sessions, I noticed a huge improvement. I slept through the night, my nightmares all but ended and the flashbacks became lessor and lessor. It only took me 11 years to identify the culprits, but only 8 days to show a dramatic improvement. I even was able to stop my antidepressants (which I feel made things worse, not better).

    The science behind it sounds too good to be true, but it truly worked for me. I still have the occasional nightmare, but I don’t wake up swinging & sweating anymore. Look into it, and give it a consideration. It helped this old salty dog medic. It could work for you too.

    Keep up the good fight! Keep calm and chive on.

  • CMR

    Been there… I could have written this myself… I feel your pain.