Finally. They have a name. What I mean is, I have a diagnosis. Not just what I think, or my family Dr. agrees with, but an actual diagnosis. I went through a range of emotions today. At first was relief. To be honest, I was thinking that maybe the Psychologist was gonna tell me I was fine, and I should go back to work. I mean, that is the goal of the WSIB. To get me back to work.
But that’s not what happened today. Today was my second “assessment” appointment. Today was more about feelings, my current lifestyle, my mood in general, past history, and alcohol use/substance abuse. I did a few questionnaires. Now she has to send everything to WSIB for approval. I was told by my case manager I was approved, but it’s not official until all of the paperwork is in. So now I wait. Hopefully about a week. Then the official Yes should be in, and I can start CBT.
My demons have a name. PTSD. Officially. Moderate PTSD. I’m not severe. I never though I was, based on what I read on the internet. But I also got introduced to another demon today. Major Depressive Episode. Apparently common with a diagnosis of PTSD.
After the relief, was some happiness. It’s not all in my head. It’s not something I can just “shake off”. I am broken. And I need to be fixed. And now they know where I’m broken, so now they know how to fix me.
Very quickly, the happiness faded away. As it often does. This time it was replaced with defeat. The last 14 months have been tough, especially the last 2. At first it was like looking up at Mount Everest. This huge thing called PTSD. But then I kinda realized, I’m not at the bottom. I have already started my journey. That started back on Nov. 9, when I first booked off work. I have come a ways since then. I’m blogging (writing my feelings, who’d ever of thought), I asked for help, I’m off on WSIB, I have been approved for treatment, and I’m about to start treatment. That wasn’t so bad. So if I could do that, then I can do more. One step at a time. And a plan. That’s how people conquer Everest. And that’s how I’m going to conquer PTSD, and be a survivor.