Home / My Journey / My Demons finally have a name

My Demons finally have a name

20140114-231355Finally. They have a name. What I mean is, I have a diagnosis. Not just what I think, or my family Dr. agrees with, but an actual diagnosis. I went through a range of emotions today. At first was relief. To be honest, I was thinking that maybe the Psychologist was gonna tell me I was fine, and I should go back to work. I mean, that is the goal of the WSIB. To get me back to work.

But that’s not what happened today. Today was my second “assessment” appointment. Today was more about feelings, my current lifestyle, my mood in general, past history, and alcohol use/substance abuse. I did a few questionnaires. Now she has to send everything to WSIB for approval. I was told by my case manager I was approved, but it’s not official until all of the paperwork is in. So now I wait. Hopefully about a week. Then the official Yes should be in, and I can start CBT.

My demons have a name. PTSD. Officially. Moderate PTSD. I’m not severe. I never though I was, based on what I read on the internet. But I also got introduced to another demon today. Major Depressive Episode. Apparently common with a diagnosis of PTSD.

After the relief, was some happiness. It’s not all in my head. It’s not something I can just “shake off”. I am broken. And I need to be fixed. And now they know where I’m broken, so now they know how to fix me.

Very quickly, the happiness faded away. As it often does. This time it was replaced with defeat. The last 14 months have been tough, especially the last 2. At first it was like looking up at Mount Everest. This huge thing called PTSD. But then I kinda realized, I’m not at the bottom. I have already started my journey. That started back on Nov. 9, when I first booked off work. I have come a ways since then. I’m blogging (writing my feelings, who’d ever of thought), I asked for help, I’m off on WSIB, I have been approved for treatment, and I’m about to start treatment. That wasn’t so bad. So if I could do that, then I can do more. One step at a time. And a plan. That’s how people conquer Everest. And that’s how I’m going to conquer PTSD, and be a survivor.

HM

  • Divemedic

    One day at a time my friend. You weren’t broken down in a day, so the healing will take the time it needs to make you complete again. But now you have some concrete answers some questions, you can close that 1 door. Stay strong, and lean on those who you trust and care about. You know I care about ya Brother….

  • Susan clark

    Hi
    Im glad to see some positive outlook from your diagnosis,kind of makes things a little easier once you find some answers. I try not to look at them as bad feelings,demons. But road blocks,that I need to concur.

  • Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’ve been following this blog for a little bit now and it’s helping me in 2 ways. I’m currently studying to be a paramedic (here in Australia it’s a full time 3yr degree now with designated prac placements), and our mental health/wellbeing is something a lot of our teachers are encouraging us to become more aware of. Reading your blog and sharing it with other students has definately helped us to understand why we need to be aware and look out for each other. It’s fantastic your family and friends are so supportive.
    But the other reason I would like to thank you so much for sharing your story, is I have just started seeing a returned servicemen who suffers from PTSD and the related depression. Whilst he has been dealing with this and has had professional help for over a year now he still can find it difficult to discuss it and therefore for me to understand. Your blog has shown insight and being so honest and frank has helped me understand the process of realising and admitting there is a problem is a hard thing.
    There is a light at the end of this. You will make it through and you have great people around you. Good luck and thank you.

  • paraken

    Bravo HM. Knowledge is power! Copy and put this last blog in a conspicuous place so you can keep things in perspective during the times you feel defeated! 🙂

  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step 🙂

  • Kat

    The diagnosis can be a scary thing, but now you know for sure what you’re dealing with and can start moving forward. You have a wonderful support network, learn to lean on us 🙂

    xo

  • CMR

    “Named must your fear be, before banish it you can”

    Yoda