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Too much writing!!

Hey everyone. Sorry there have not been any posts recently. I have been doing a lot of writing for therapy, and it drains me. I have wanted to blog for over a week now, but just haven’t had the mental capacity to do so.

So here I am, 11:00PM at night, and having some insomnia, so I thought writing might help me sleep.

Therapy has been going well, or so I am told. I have been waiting for the “Moment”, when I break down, sob like a baby, and begin rebuilding. It hasn’t happened yet, so I feel as if I’m not progressing. My Psychologist, on the other hand, thinks I am doing well with it, and progressing. She’s the expert. If she says I’m doing well, then I must be. She also told me I may not have that kind of moment. It’s different for everyone.

I can see that I’m starting to view things and think things through differently. Not all of the time, but I do realize when I’m falling into old habits of thinking.

I have to write everything…I mean hand written. Blogging is great. A nice keyboard. I can type faster then I write, thats for sure. My hand cramps and my fingers get sore. LOL. The digital age. I have to write and write and write. Then I have to read what I wrote, and write some more. Its a lot of work. And it harder then I thought it would be, but I can start to see a difference in myself…So that’s good,

Now she wants me to go on a field trip. She wants me to go to the place where “The Call” happened. Not just drive by, but go there, get out of the car, and stand there. See what goes through my mind. (And of course, WRITE it.) What ever comes to mind, whatever dialogue my mind has, feelings, recollections, everything. I’m a bit nervous about it. I have only driven by a handful of times since I started therapy. And when I realize where I am, I get a small knot in my stomach. A bit of anxiety I guess. At least that’s what my Psychologist thinks.

I’m going to do that soon. After I write the novel for my therapist, I will try to blog about it as well. I think this is an important field trip. I’m sure I’m not the only one who dreads having to go by where “That Call” happened. Again, hopefully someone will read that post, and realize that maybe they need some help, and start on the path to healing.

Other then therapy, and TONS of writing, not too much else has been going on. Good days and bad days. I have been tired a lot. That’s kinda new. But with the amount of writing and reading I’m doing, I’m not surprised.

I did not mean for almost 4 weeks to go by without blogging when I started this, but I did say I was only going to blog when I felt it was right. I don’t need another “Burden” on my plate. Or another trigger that makes me feel overwhelmed. So I do apologize, but it’s for my own good.

Speaking of triggers, I found a few more. I did not realize it at first, but after some analysis with my Psychologist, I realized they were triggers. Funerals is one of them. I went to a funeral for a co-worker who had passed. I was asked to be in the Honour Guard for him. I said yes without a moments hesitation. Well, as much as I thought it wasn’t a big deal, I guess it was. Also, I doled out some advice to someone else. Between the two, I started having some symptoms I had not had in a while. So it was decided I need to stay away from those things. For now at least. And, I’m going to say it publicly, you were right. Both of you. You know who you are. The funerals are too much for me right now.

That’s all I have to say for now. Except, for those of you in Canada, please visit www.2014heroestour.ca. For some reason I’m having trouble creating links, so I apologize for that. Too late for me to be bothered to figure it out. Anyway, this is the Heroes are Human Tour, put on by the Tema Contor Memorial Trust. It’s free to attend, and will only take up a few hours of you time. I encourage you to attend one, if you can. You never know who is going to speak at one of these things.

That’s it for now. Remember to Keep the Conversation Going, and End the Stigma. Mental health is nothing to be afraid of, or ashamed of. Thanks for taking a few minutes out of your day to read my blog.

HM

  • Bell

    I have now made reading your blog part of my daily routine while on day shift. I think things happen for a reason. I learned about your blog through a co worker. The timing was perfect.