Meh. That’s how I have been feeling lately. For the last week and a half or so. I feel like I am in a rut. I have just come home from therapy, and usually it makes me feel better, but today, no such luck. I feel like I’m not getting anywhere, and I’m broke as well. Like I have said before, Comp pays the bills, but not much else.

I’m sick of feeling like this. I’m sick of being broke. But going back to work, which would fix some of the problems, isn’t the answer. Yet it is the only one I seem to have. Somedays, I feel that I just need to get back to work, and stop feeling like this. Like I have a choice. Like I can just flick a switch and be better. Man, I wish.

We have started the conversation of going back to work at therapy. Not back on the road, but back on modified duties. I’m hoping to land in the training dept for now. Away from all of the crews on the road, (separate building from the active crews), and having to listen to calls getting dispatched, and seeing crews after they have dealt with shitty calls.

I’m OK with it. It will be nice to have someone to talk to, other then my dog, between the hours of 9-4, when the girls are in school.

Its gonna start really slow, and we are going to keep a close eye on how I’m doing throughout. I have a bit of anxiety about it, but I’m sure that will pass.

This has been a tough road for me. It is a tough road for anyone that has to travel it. But I hope to get through it. It’s tough some days. And today is one of them….Well the last week has been one of them. I feel I need to do something to shake it all up, but lack the motivation and funds to really do anything. I would LOVE to be able to go away with Cheryl for a few nights. No kids and no responsibilities. Just the 2 of us hanging out. But with no money, and both girls active in activities, it’s hard to organize.

Well I think thats it for now. Just a quick entry today.



  • Jld

    Thinking of you and still cheering you on for your bravery. You’re doing amazing things not only for you, but for our whole profession! Thank you:)

  • Damagedgoods

    HM, I feel your pain, I worked with Toronto EMS and left that for Ornge. I thought changing the company was the answer but it wasn’t. Im on short term disability right now and have had a crappy week after my last session, must be in the air. I wish you all the best in your healing and recovery, I also just started a blog on this subject. I wish I could flick that switch or just take a get better pill, I just feel so broken and more so when I ponder on these things.